My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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