i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
