you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
