Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
