I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
