Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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