this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
