I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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