I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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