The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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