Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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