You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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