I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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