I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
