I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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