I didn't shave. On purpose
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
