my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
