Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
