I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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