If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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