thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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