At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So. Much. Porn.
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