Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
