Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
