i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
