just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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