I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
