everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
