Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
