Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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