Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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