i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize