if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
