how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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