You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
