Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
