Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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