you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
