someone threw a dead crab at me
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
