This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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