He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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