why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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