2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
