My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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