i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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