I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
