I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
