the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
