i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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