birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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