my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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