I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
