so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
