I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i need some magic done to my vagina
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
