Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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