Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
