I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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