One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
